Thunder Storms ...

I do not remember the year, my age or what we ate that night. But I remember very well that night, it was one of the nights that I will never forget, the one we had as a family.
It was almost midnight but me and my brother were still awake. It was a nice summer night, but there were thunder storms just like tonight:). It was not raining yet but on our balcony you could see the whole city and the war between the clouds where they shoot thunders to each other:) (a little story I believed in) and we as a family set in our balcony on our deckchairs me with dad and brother with mom, and watched the storm. I was little so I fell a sleep, do not know until when. But we were all quite and so peaceful.  Since that night I loved watching the storm just like tonight...

The little squirrel is working hard

For some reason, when ever I see a squirrel working so hard, I am reminded of the story of The Ant and The Grasshopper, (which is actually called the ant and the firefly in Turkish). The ant works really hard because he knows from experience that the winter is gonna be a tough one and he will need all he can getter, whereas the firefly in Turkey, and the grasshopper in the States plays his instrument and just sleeps through the summer.
I have been like the ant for the last couple of years and after graduation, I felt like I deserved some time off just like the firefly&grasshopper. But now that the weather gets colder, the clouds that will sit on this city for a long time are here, I do not feel ready. Even though deep down there I know that I actually did not stop being the ant but I feel guilty. And seeing the squirrel family that lives on the tree next to my window reminds me everyday that I do not have a purpose yet but it is not too late. The first snow hasn't fell on the earth yet...
Yes, the spring is here in New York, but I love it. I love each and every season with different reasons. In couple of weeks the leaves will change color and the land will be covered with all sort of yellow-red combinations!!! First, Halloween will be here, kids will be asking Trick or Treat:) and adults will find their childish sides again!!! What is not to love this:), for a day most of the adults will be like me, childish:).
Well like every spring or fall I needed some change. I was (many times) told by my dad 'it is easy to understand the season change when you are at home, cause in a day you can change your room into some place I would never imagine' eheh:).  Which is true, since I know myself, the day that I feel like there is a smell of change in the air, I feel an urge to change my shelter. Dad usually complained about how he can not have anything nailed down in my room cause he was never sure when or how I would change it:).
ohhh I remember one particular memory, in 2000 after a year of suffering for studying for college exams in Turkey, and loosing my dear grandma we moved to a new house. (well it was one floor down where we used to live but hey move is a move) Therefor I needed to make my nest MINE, and the only way I knew how to do that, was by painting!! You know how birds carry branches, or dogs piss on their property I have to mark my teretory with my own creativity... So after the carpenter painted my bedroom, I started to create my underwater world. Oh god, you should have seen the face of that poor man!! He comes to start painting another room in this newly renovated house and finds a girl who is painting on the newly painted walls .... and he asks if my mom knows about this (well for those of you who do not know my mom, she is a sweet person and loving, caring person but she is also a scary person if you do wrong with her, which I have to say is hard to do... but still) cause he was scared to death for me:)))) But mom knows, she knows that this is me moving, moving to a new place, welcoming a new season.
Just like old times, as the weather shifted from summer to spring, I have re-arranged my living area but this time with the person I live in it:). I guess he got my sickness of change... who knows...

Some samples from My Underwater World... at least the ones I could find...

I am hoping that this will bring good news, good fortune for us.
Change is in the air, I can smell it.

:D I have to work hard as my neighboors, the squirrel family:))))

Loneliness...
There are days that I ask for some alone time, but lately I just need someone to share, share this emptiness. People like me, we need occupancies to full fill our days, to make ourselves worthy, to feel worthy.
It is the transition period I know, something will come along and change this but where is that thing / one??? Everyone including my senses tell me to try to enjoy this emptiness cause once I will have a cause I will crave for such a moment. Yet I am struggling to pass my days.
When you look around you, what do you see? Do you see the beauty of the day, filled with colors and sounds? Do you see the birds and chipmunks or skunks?? Even the skunks bring joy to my days lately. But to be honest I miss being around the kids, and/or young adults who starve for a platform where they can express themselves. I miss the sound when the bell rings, the energy that there is which seems like never fades away. I always wonder how it is possible to hold that much energy in such ages...

Here are somethings that fill my empty days...

Time goes pretty quickly ....
and there is nothing I can do, you can do or anyone can do for that...
I used to think that I was running after the time thinking I would be able to catch it.
But now, now I wanna think that it is time's turn to chase me. Why should I be the one who goes after him. That's exactly like when I figured out the man-woman relations when I was a teenage.
Just stop chasing, let things come to you for a change. That was my mom who told me this. And thank God I listened her. Well maybe a first on my part but I am still thankful:).
I have been free more then I wished lately. I have found myself some things to occupy myself but you know it is never enough. And the truth is I have been looking for somethings that I feel like I have lost them in my past. So I started to dig in my old diaries, my old pictures (the ones that are digitized since I am soo far away from my parent's house where all our childhood pictures are!) Well ask my mom, or dad actually. He always got angry at me for going through old pictures and massing with them. But the truth is I was searching you know. There has been something (always) in my past that I desired some time to time. Either it was the silly games that we played as a kid when I was going through a rough time with friends, or an information of who I am when I was going through an identity crisis, you know that you go through when you are 12 or so...

Lately, it is my dog... Since I am all alone in our little but big enough house all day long, searching and searching, I miss the feeling of having someone (well yes animals are like or maybe more then like, they are human when you need them to be!) sharing your frustration or I do not know when you are bored and want to play ball with them... It is so quite you know?! Yes I know, once I find a job I will wish that I could take this time back but hey I don't have the job yet:) so I can complain right?
but today I saw a man across the street who was brushing a dog just like Treu and I started to watch them. The dog was restless, uneasy when his owner tried to brush his back legs, just like Treu. He showed his teeth to him:) but his owner knows him, he will never bite, it is just to express the pain or the unhappiness.And then two butterflies just flew in front of me, maybe a reminder that he is still with me such as grandma... I don't know or maybe I wanna see things that there are not...


Well I try to keep my imagination alive:)

let the sun light come through my room and hit me in the morning to wake me up.
let the sea hit the shore, close my eyes and listen to the waves...
don't let summer be forgotten, let it live in my memories...

with love...

Graduation, Birthday, West Coast & beyond...

Well well,
I have been away for a very very long time. Much longer then I wished.
But in the meantime life continued.
After a long journey, I have come to an other end in my life. This journey have started harder then any other, and lasted almost haft of my life. From the time I remember myself, I have always dreamed a life where I could include art into it. I always kept "art" in my life, all sorts of it... But I kept feeling something was missing. I was in a search up until couple of years ago. I do not know what force helped me but I felt like a train who is pushed to the right tracks. After being on the right lane, everything was more meaningful. The reasons, the actions, the satisfaction.
I have graduated, from a long journey of finding my self, learning how to learn, how to teach, how to be, to be me. Then I lost someone who had helped me and so many others to achieve their dreams of teaching others, the beauty of art. You sometimes take thing for granted. You think that things or people will be there forever. Or your journey seems like it takes forever... But when you reach at the end, you look back and realize you have done it. You have accomplished, you have reached you goal and it is time to have a new BIG GOAL for your lesson:).

Then my birthday:). Birthdays are the days that should remind you that you are getting old right? Oh no wrong, thanks to a brilliant idea, I went back to my childhood and had a nice trip to Bronx Zoo. It is an amazing thing how you become like a child when you see those animals and how you wanna run around and you wanna just stop there and grasp every little detail and not let go.
At those moments, there are no words that can help you, or no emotion than can explain... You take a picture but you now immediately that it is not the same, it is not the image you wanna inscribe to your memory... But you still do...



Well every graduate deserves a little gratuity for all the hard works and everyone who end their 30th year in this world deserves a treat that would remind them the beauty of life.
That is why we decided to take a journey. Many thanks to a childhood friend of ours, we started our trip in Los Angeles. I was always told the colors are different then the East coast :) and the mind set of people is very very different:). I have to admit I could not see that :) it might be because you do not have that much of an interaction with people. Who knows...


The famous Route #1 was one of my favorite parts in this journey. Driving along the coast and watching the sun rise and sun set in the same day with the changing beautiful scenery. I can say I found my child side once I was traveling in the forest by the sea side. Do you know the smell of seaweed, but not the one you actually can eat? I was brought up with that smell. I used to believed that I was a mermaid who made a deal with the witch (which i did not remember when I did because of the charm). The fresh air,the smell of pine trees, the fruit stands along the way, the dogs and the sea lions that we have seen along the way, but most important the person whom I shared this journey with.

Who can be as childish as I am, who knows what I like and what I love...
Even the best couples share the same car for hours, drive through beautiful and breath taking scenery, ends up having hard times:). Specially if one of you is tired/sleepy, has to pee:P, or hungry!!! After 5 days, you find your self dying to find a topic to talk about cause you have touched every topic that you can think of. And the radio!! ugh OH MY GOD!!!How I hated the American Radio's, they play the same songs over and over and when you try to hook up your own IPod, it doesn't work!
But then, he gives you a huge smile, a nice touch on your hand and then he says look, and you look out the window. You see one of the most amazing things and share that moment with the person you love and then you remember. This is one of those moments that you see on the movies, and the boring times are when the camera is off:))).

Now I am back to reality, back to New York, back to looking and searching.

Take my hand friend

It has a different feeling, when the sun hits a part of your body and starts to melt everything you own. Your feelings, fears, joys, and many more. You sit down and let your body be taken by the energy and just fall into a day dream. Maybe dream about being on a beach, relaxing, or maybe on a sail boat sharing laughs with your loved ones and the silence of the nature (yes I missed my family routine and missed them).What ever your dream is, you fling out of it when the sun looses it's energy. Then you come back to reality, and ask yourself where was I, what was I doing? Today is such a day. I have been sitting in-front of my computer by my bedroom window and let the sun invade my body, my soul... thinking about where I am coming and where exactly I am going. Couple of years ago I decided to change my path and take risks. I never was in fear but there had been times when I doubted myself just like everyone. Not knowing what you might come up with, trusting yourself but not to others... Many more and different reasons for someone to give up... But I did not and tomorrow, I will be able to show myself why I started this journey.

I have been student teaching for almost 5 months now and I feel, not only feel but also know that I am ready to be the teacher in the classroom. I have learned so much but I also know that there are so many more to learn. I just want to climb up those high stairs on my own and maybe fall down and then get up again and start over.

I learned to listen to children as well as to adults, really listen and understand what they are saying. It is like listening yourself and hearing the joy inside you, and understanding the reasons, beauty and ugliness of all. Or understanding your pet when he looks at you and says he loves you no matter what...

Over the years I have learned to listen to myself and after that I was able to listen to the rest. I know I am lucky because I learned to listen from my grandma and from my mom... They taught me that in order to be able to be/live happy, and to share this life, first you have to listen.
I remember from one book that I have read years ago, a little girl was trying to listen to the world, she put her ear on the ground and could not hear anything for so long. But she kept on trying and one day she could hear the insects underneath the earth moving, water traveling through the ground to the air, and through hear hearth...

I still have so much to learn but I am ready to share...

There are birds singing since the morning just out side my window, welcoming the sun in their life. At first I was jealous of them cause they could sing but now I know, I can write or draw or paint. Or just think and welcome sun in my own way.
Come in sun, come inside and melt me down. I am here to listen, listen to your stories, to what they may tell...

When to say goodbye?

It has been a long time since I last posted something which makes me sad cause there are so many things that I would love to share...
My first semester of student teaching is over. I had an amazing time thanks to my cooperative teacher and to her students who embraced me with love and kindness. I do not want to say that I have become a part of these kids life let's be honest, how many of you do you remember your student teachers??? But they have been a part of mine! I have learned to be a kid in a school again, to be friends again, what tomorrow means for a 10 year old:).
But I have noticed that friendships were not as complicated as they are when you get older.
The new year started and has been going and again I am trying to catch the time like catching a train or a bus in this city... As everyone I wish the time to pass just quick enough and no so slow ... But minutes, hours, days, and weeks pass. I look behind me and see so many memories, full of emotions (good and bad), so many aha moments that made me change my path and so many oh yeah moments that made me stay along the way that I am following. I am growing, growing like a kid who is eager to learn but does not want to work so hard (I have always been lazy about learning, I guess it is because things came easy to me...) but since changing my life, since I moved to Florence and started my journey I am not that lazy, contrarily I force myself to my limits which I never knew what they were.
Everyday of your life, every moment that passes by you are forced to make decisions. You try your best to evaluate all your possibilities before you decide but sometimes some people can not go beyond that point specially when they are hurt. It is an animal instinct that human beings have not given away to pay it back, hurt the person who is hurting you... My life philosophy has always been to blame myself for everything that goes wrong at the first sight. I have learned that yes most of the time you can resolve the problems when you try to look through the other person's eyes but what about your self ? They are some moments in life that you have to be selfish even though it is against everything you believe and you have to learn to be selfish cause you have never been. That thin line between caring / giving and being a naive has been my problem for so many years. For the first time in my life I decided to be selfish on many points and now that I look back at 2009 I am glad that I have done what I did...
It cost me a friend though...
A friend that could not over look what is going in her life but focus on the person who needed her the most, a friend that put her needs in priority and could not see what was going on. A friend who made harm by what she said when she was supposed to just listen and keep those stories, memories to herself. Now she is angry, I am sad and we just lost what we had. There was once that this happened to me and I knew it would again.
On the other hand I built my own family!
I started a family that I have been long dreaming to have, with a lot of ups-and - downs but tell me who does not have those? An you know what it makes me appreciate what we have more and wanna work on it harder everyday. I have someone to talk about anything, coddle to and have kisses as much as give kisses to, i have someone to go back to. I have someone whom I can see as the father of my children (for those of you who are interested, not yet! just in the idea). I have friends who are close to me that I can share and friends who are just a phone call away, and they understand, appreciate what we have, what I can give. and we continue our relations as long distance friendships...

I am thankful for everything I have, every chance that is given to me, to my parents, to my hubby (:) still could not get used to it), to my family, friends and everyone who let me be a part of their life.

Life goes on whatever you do just do not forget to BE HAPPY!
Put on a smile on your face and embrace the life with what it brings you.
I have learned that embracing is the key of happiness and I hope it will bring you also some.

with loves and a little bit of art in your life

ilona:c)~

Still waiting to wake up

I was riding the subway today, just like I do everyday. From 40Th and 7Th ave number 2 or 3 and then on 96Th street stop to number one...
I sat down and saw my reflection from the opposite window. Which is not very unordinary either. But it was the first time I felt old. Not in a meaning that I am over my youth and physically old but older then what I usually feel. Then I started to think where I am, where I was going, and most importantly where I came from. I have noticed one thing, that I was here in New York City almost at my half age ago, for the first time and I made myself a promise. On my first visit to here (which was with my brother, uncle and his family, aunt, cousin and my aunts mother...) I promised to come here again and maybe come here for good. I kept on talking and writing about this dream but it was a DREAM. Now I know, I am still dreaming, one day I am going to wake up and find myself in my bed, surrounded with my stuffed animals, babies and call out my mom and tell her the beautiful dream that I had... Where I was training to become a teacher for children and/or adolescents who do not have the chance to use art as a communication tool in a city which I believe is not child friendly at all, surrounded with concrete creatures and unfriendly people, but so much chaos, diversity, and culture. And me married to my childhood love...I am still waiting to wake up. Maybe by my dog's cry, or a kiss from my grandma, or a tender touch by my mom's hand...